Thursday, March 31, 2011

R.I.P the old Ali/ Measurements/ Before Pics/ MOVIN ON

I have been mentioning that I will be taking before pictures to track my progress and to give me motivation. Let me tell you, I have never been so embarassed in my life. I had my husband help me, the husband that I have made babies with, and live with day in and day out, and was absolutely mortified. For every measurement he called the inches out for, I wanted to die a little bit inside.I have been holding off on this part for as long as possible because I do not want people to see me like this. What I fail to realize, is that everyone sees me like this, except for me. I am the only person that doesn't realize my true image. Doing this project tonight threw me over the edge and made me really emotional. It was a slap in the face, and something I never wanted to encounter. Here are my measurements of the 'old Ali'.
Arms-16 3/2''
Boobs-51 1/2''
Waist-49 3/4''
Butt- 50 1/4''
Thigh- 27 3/4
 May that Bitch rest in peace, and never return. Here are my before pics


You would think that I would be eating everything in sight today, but I am not. I have become so sick of this lifestyle and the after effects of it that I am ready to be done. As ready as I can be anyways. I will be eating my favorite food tonight for dinner, but other than that, I have no interest in much of anything. Tomorrow, I will be starting Day 1 of my 14 day ( more like 30 day) liquid diet. I am supposed to drink 3 protein shakes per day, and for the rest of the day stay on clear, sugar free liquids. Things such as fat free chicken broth, sugar free jello/pudding, sugar free popsicles etc. I have a good 10 or so boxes of slim fast stocked up in the extra fridge, in all different flavors, as well as everything else listed above. It is going to be a very hard diet, mentally. I rememeber being on the clear liquid diet AFTER my lapband procedure and it was a piece of cake because I had some sort of restriction on my stomach. NOW I have a wide open stomach ready to devour the world, and clear liquids just is not going to cut it. I am going to have to keep myself busy-keep my goal in sight. In 13 days I will be getting the gastric bypass and shedding the pounds, getting to a healthier new me. If my posts for the next 2 weeks seem a little 'bitchy' it is only because the beast in me is trying to get out.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Prisoner in my own misery

I feel my chins, ( yes I said CHINS, as in more than one) sit on top of eachother, and I feel them rest on my chest. I feel my 'back boobs' flop every time I walk faster than a snail's pace. My feet get swollen every night as if I am 9 months pregnant and my thighs resemble a kiddie pool filled with cottage cheese. I want to be skinny, but at what risk? While chatting with a good friend of mine, a question was posed. We know our addiction, but what will it take to battle it? Drug addicts can go to rehab, sex addicts usually the same. Is fat camp the answer? How many of those REALLY exist for adults? Through having the band and not telling (many) people I have come to realize that everyone thinks that weight loss surgery is the 'easy' way out. I can be the first to tell you that I wish on everything in the world, that I had a high metabolism and could just work out, and eat right to lose this weight. I can't stress enough how much HARDER weight loss surgery is. I can't tell you how many times I have cried because I can't go out socially and eat with my friends without it being weird. This 'easy way out' is more of a mind fuck than anything. Because I will always see myself as fat. I know that losing so much weight so quick will throw me down a sprial of depression. For being the easy way out, I am willing to risk being borderline NUTSO just so I can wear normal clothes, and feel 'confident', but it really doesn't happen that way does it? Ask any fat person who has lost weight, when they were more confident, fat or skinny. I promise you the results will be surprising. I just have to be prepared and be strong mentally for this surgery. I have to make sure that I am not taking things out on the wrong people due to the side effects this surgery imposes. As I lose the weight, I have to learn how to be comfortable in my new body, and accept the phases of deformation of my body. With that comes the ability to come off of medications. I am currently taking 7 different pills for everything from back problems to insomnia to hypertension, all linked to obesity. I will be able to stop using my CPAP breathing machine and begin to live a normal life. I wont have to be the fat wife with the skinny white husband. We will finally be able to 'match'. Like they say- I am taking the 'easy' way out- and saving my life.I am not here to promote either surgery or even surgery period. What I AM here to do is give you my view on the whole process and how it effects my life. I don't want to scare anyone, but I can tell you that there is NOTHING easy about this surgery or the lifestyle after it.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Emotional Rollercoaster

It is all starting to come back to me how emotional this whole process is. I am heading in to what will be my second weight loss surgery and the 'crazy eyes' are starting. I am beginning to remember how I felt after the surgery. I know I felt 'punsished' because I could only sip shitty flavored water, while my husband got to eat an entire pizza. Punished because the world did not stop for me, nor did it feel sorry for me. Punished because I just wasn't one of those lucky people  ( like my husband ) who were blessed with a skinny body no matter what they ate. Punished for my love of food. That folks, is what makes this process harder. There are some patients who just eat to eat. Then there are THE REST OF US, who love food, and are addicted to it. I have had several break downs this week. I worry that I will not have time put my everything in to this surgery. I am one of those all or nothing type of chicks. Hence, all of the food I have consumed. I went and bought a body bugg, I am get P90X, and I am going to be taking full advantage of the gym on base. The problem is, that I wont be able to go everyday like I NEED to. I worry that if I dont go everyday, I will slack, and fail. I contemplated canceling sugery just for fear of failure, again. As the days dwindle down and I approach the first day of my pre op diet, I get even more scared. I start losing faith in myself, I being to accept defeat and I haven't even started. I just have to keep looking up at my daughter and my husband and reminding myself of my purpose here on this Earth. If it wern't for them, I am not sure I would even consider this surgery. I told someone JUST TODAY ' If it wern't for the health risks, I would keep doing what I am doing, because eating makes me happy.' Eating is the only thing that has been reliable enough to be there when I am loney, sad, happy for myself, proud of myself, and when I am in a firery rage. Food is the most stable thing in my life and the fear of having to give it up, and leave my life a wreck, is the worst feeling in the world. I can't stress enough that I am one of those people that need motivation, a pat on the back, and positive reinforcement constantly, to keep me going. I can picture the skinny me down the road, but will she be as happy and the fat girl now? I talk to many 'skinny girls' and it is never enough for them. Especially the ones who have had weight loss surgery, it never seems to be enough weightloss, they can always lose 'a few more'. I sure hope that with this weight, I don't lose who I am, and the life that I love having.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Panic Attack

So today, out of nowhere, it hits me that I will no longer be able to eat what I want and how much of what I want. In T minus 10 days I will be starting my 2 week pre-op diet consisting of only liquids, sugar free ones at that. I started freaking out wondering how I was going to get everything that I want to eat into only 10 days. There are places I want to eat at and home cooked meals I want to make. There is just no way I can fit them all into only 10 days. So I starting losing it, thinking about canceling surgery. I had to talk myself out of not calling the surgeon. All I could think about was how I was going to not have an Easter dinner, and how I couldn't eat an entire meal like I can now. All of these things might not seem major to the average human being, but someone like myself who is addicted, it is all that is on my mind. I am forcing this break up with food no matter what, but it sure is getting harder the closer I get. Reality is setting in and I am becoming scared. Food is my life and I need to make it my past.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Battle of the Bulge

I checked my e-mail today and was excited to see that I had one from my doctors nurse. Until I opened it. She was simply confirming my surgery date of April 13th 2011. Oh and then she dropped the 'D' bomb on me. Specifically the Liquid DIET bomb. A 2 week pre operation diet of only liquids. It is my worst nightmare coming to life. It is hard going on a diet like that when all you can think about is eating everything in sight before you cant eat anymore. I guess it is best and I guess that my 'gastric bypass brain' should go ahead and be put into overdrive on April 1st. Now the tables have turned and I feel like I am the one getting dumped. It is all for the best, it is time to move on. I have 13 official days left of 'real food', let the last supper meals begin....

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Yet another reason why I need to change my life....

I had a ob/gyn appointment today, it was supposed to be just the normal pap smear. Obviously it was not. The doctor informed me today that I have PCOS ( Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome). While this answers some questions, it makes me sad to add ANOTHER reason to the list of why I need to lose weight. I am 24 years old and I have high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and now PCOS. I guess it is just another motivation factor to drive me to lose this weight. I have to do this for me and my family. I will not be another statistic.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Ready to make my life right.....again

As I sit here trying to motivate myself for this surgery, I look at my daughter and realize that I have to make it happen this time. I have ordered a new bodybugg, bought a tanning package to reward myself daily, and spent money on numerous books. I am scared of this surgery and the changes I will have to make. I am looking forward to letting my inner skinny girl out. I need this. I need to be able to play with my child as she grows, I need to be able to stand next to my husband and feel as though we are a good match (physically). I am ready to break this addiction I have to food. Yes, it is an addiction. When I eat lunch, I'm thinking about dinner. When I am getting ready for bed, I am wondering if I can fit another meal in. I am addicted to food and everything that involves it. I use it to celebrate, to mourn, to congratulate, and to relieve my stress. Like my friend once said, I am like a crack addict waiting for my next fix. I have to break up with food. I have to move on. This gastric bypass is my official goodbye. Its my two weeks notice. I will not spend the rest of my life caring more about food than I do my family....I refuse. My new life starts April 13, 2011- stay tuned to my new start on life, progress pictures, and me holding myself accountable- I WILL BE A SUCCESS!

A Little Bit About Me

For those of you who don't know me and for those of you who do, I want to say 'Welcome'! I am starting this blog for many reasons but when it comes down to it, I am doing this for myself. I need accountability and a reference. I need something 'set in stone' that I can look at and view progress and see my mistakes. This is a journey through my life, my break up with food, my divorce with the lapband, and my new relationship with the gastric bypass.
To be able to read this blog, you are going to have to know a little bit of back story. Why am I fat? Well in April of 2007, my life as I know it, was about to change. I was driving to my house from a gas station early morning and was ran off of the road. Not only was I ran off of the road, I was sent over a curb, through a fence, hitting a tree and then slammed into a garage. From that point on, nothing would be the same. Within the next five months, I would endure two more accidents-being rear ended and worsening a severe and chronic case of back pain. From that point on, my military career was put into jeopardy. I could no longer carry out the duties of a Soldier as I was gaining weight rapidly and put into extreme pain by just wearing my protective gear. Little did I know, within a little over a year, I would be honorably discharged. The ARMY up until that point, was my LIFE LONG CAREER.
Skip ahead a few years, after marriage to a man in the Air Force, and a relocation to Little Rock, Arkansas, you will find me on May 8th, 2009, on the operating table. I am about to get the LapBand that I have been waiting for. The process was relatively quick and only took me about a month from start to finish. I knew great things we're coming my way after this procedure and they did. Within four months time I had lost 50 lbs. I went from a size 22 pants to a size 16. Oh I left something out. A month after I got the LapBand, my husband was notified that he had 72 hours to prepare because he was deploying to Afghanistan. Thats a pretty important fact because it leads to the bomb I am about to drop on you next.
After a 4 month deployment, my husband returns September 19th, 2009, this day I will never forget, not only because my hero returned, but also because this is the day that I got pregnant with our first child, Aubrey. Within 3 months of being pregnant, I needed a complete unfill. From that point on, I gained a total of 60 lbs and was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Now, if you can remember how much I initially lost- 50 lbs then add what I gained during pregnancy +60 I am now +10 lbs higher then I was the day I got LapBand surgery! I was devestated, upset, and all around crushed. But women lose the baby weight, right? WRONG! Little did I know, while I was pregnant SOMETHING happened and my band would be useless for the rest of the time I had it. After 6 months of being filled and unfilled, and no weight loss, I decide to go in and make the decision to have gastric bypass. My doctor does a little review of my records, informs me that my band is defective, and agrees that the gastric bypass would be the best choice for me. So, here I am on the journey AGAIN, with a new outlook, a new determination, and all of the right tools to make it happen.....