Sunday, March 27, 2011
It is all starting to come back to me how emotional this whole process is. I am heading in to what will be my second weight loss surgery and the 'crazy eyes' are starting. I am beginning to remember how I felt after the surgery. I know I felt 'punsished' because I could only sip shitty flavored water, while my husband got to eat an entire pizza. Punished because the world did not stop for me, nor did it feel sorry for me. Punished because I just wasn't one of those lucky people ( like my husband ) who were blessed with a skinny body no matter what they ate. Punished for my love of food. That folks, is what makes this process harder. There are some patients who just eat to eat. Then there are THE REST OF US, who love food, and are addicted to it. I have had several break downs this week. I worry that I will not have time put my everything in to this surgery. I am one of those all or nothing type of chicks. Hence, all of the food I have consumed. I went and bought a body bugg, I am get P90X, and I am going to be taking full advantage of the gym on base. The problem is, that I wont be able to go everyday like I NEED to. I worry that if I dont go everyday, I will slack, and fail. I contemplated canceling sugery just for fear of failure, again. As the days dwindle down and I approach the first day of my pre op diet, I get even more scared. I start losing faith in myself, I being to accept defeat and I haven't even started. I just have to keep looking up at my daughter and my husband and reminding myself of my purpose here on this Earth. If it wern't for them, I am not sure I would even consider this surgery. I told someone JUST TODAY ' If it wern't for the health risks, I would keep doing what I am doing, because eating makes me happy.' Eating is the only thing that has been reliable enough to be there when I am loney, sad, happy for myself, proud of myself, and when I am in a firery rage. Food is the most stable thing in my life and the fear of having to give it up, and leave my life a wreck, is the worst feeling in the world. I can't stress enough that I am one of those people that need motivation, a pat on the back, and positive reinforcement constantly, to keep me going. I can picture the skinny me down the road, but will she be as happy and the fat girl now? I talk to many 'skinny girls' and it is never enough for them. Especially the ones who have had weight loss surgery, it never seems to be enough weightloss, they can always lose 'a few more'. I sure hope that with this weight, I don't lose who I am, and the life that I love having.