Monday, March 28, 2011

Prisoner in my own misery

I feel my chins, ( yes I said CHINS, as in more than one) sit on top of eachother, and I feel them rest on my chest. I feel my 'back boobs' flop every time I walk faster than a snail's pace. My feet get swollen every night as if I am 9 months pregnant and my thighs resemble a kiddie pool filled with cottage cheese. I want to be skinny, but at what risk? While chatting with a good friend of mine, a question was posed. We know our addiction, but what will it take to battle it? Drug addicts can go to rehab, sex addicts usually the same. Is fat camp the answer? How many of those REALLY exist for adults? Through having the band and not telling (many) people I have come to realize that everyone thinks that weight loss surgery is the 'easy' way out. I can be the first to tell you that I wish on everything in the world, that I had a high metabolism and could just work out, and eat right to lose this weight. I can't stress enough how much HARDER weight loss surgery is. I can't tell you how many times I have cried because I can't go out socially and eat with my friends without it being weird. This 'easy way out' is more of a mind fuck than anything. Because I will always see myself as fat. I know that losing so much weight so quick will throw me down a sprial of depression. For being the easy way out, I am willing to risk being borderline NUTSO just so I can wear normal clothes, and feel 'confident', but it really doesn't happen that way does it? Ask any fat person who has lost weight, when they were more confident, fat or skinny. I promise you the results will be surprising. I just have to be prepared and be strong mentally for this surgery. I have to make sure that I am not taking things out on the wrong people due to the side effects this surgery imposes. As I lose the weight, I have to learn how to be comfortable in my new body, and accept the phases of deformation of my body. With that comes the ability to come off of medications. I am currently taking 7 different pills for everything from back problems to insomnia to hypertension, all linked to obesity. I will be able to stop using my CPAP breathing machine and begin to live a normal life. I wont have to be the fat wife with the skinny white husband. We will finally be able to 'match'. Like they say- I am taking the 'easy' way out- and saving my life.I am not here to promote either surgery or even surgery period. What I AM here to do is give you my view on the whole process and how it effects my life. I don't want to scare anyone, but I can tell you that there is NOTHING easy about this surgery or the lifestyle after it.

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